August 26, 2013


Well hello one and all! Yes I am alive and am now safe and sound in a third world country. Which by the way I think that the country of Honduras might be sponsored by Coca Cola. No really it is every stinking where.
Anywho well my first area is Copan Ruinas which, yes mom, is the Mayan burial ruins. It is actually really beautiul, but also ridiculously poor. As in everyone builds their houses out of mud and stuff. Speaking of houses no mine is not out of mud and in fact is really nice for only having three rooms. But we keep it clean and it has a shower which gives us freezing cold, slightly muddy water.
My first companion is Elder Vermont of Mexico who happens to not speak a lick of English so my Spanish is coming faster than I thought. Oh the little kids here suck. They have zero discipline whatsoever and just run around mostly naked and cause trouble.
The branch is small but we are making it grow. My first baptism is on the 14th of September with a family Miguel, Bertha and their 8 kids. They are really strong and will be a great addition to the branch.
So the house got struck by lightening while I am gone? Man I miss all the cool stuff! Well it's good to know that everyone is safe and that the house didn't burn down. No Susan you can't have any of my stuff from school until I get home and am able to supervise things.
So let's see...what else is new. Oh it is really freaking hot here. And rains every day. The "cyber cafe" I am in right now is someone's garage and is just the oldest looking computers in the history of the world. And I am having trouble typing because it is a Spanish keyboard and to make matters worse it's really old and has the letters faded off so it is hunting in the dark with a knife. But it is all good I guess, it is better than no computer at all I guess.
Anywho well I will keep you all updated with my adventures down under. Oh and by the way I am the single biggest guy here. Both in height and in muscle. It feels good to be a giant for once. And no one has held us up yet probably because I found a machete, a small one, and have it in my bag and am bigger than every one by at least five inches and a good 60 pounds. So it is nice to know that we are safe for a while. The people here just carry machetes and are too poor for guns so yeah it is going to be crazy once I get to the big city.
Dad San Pedro Sula means Saint Peter City. Yeah crazy how that works out huh. Well that is all I have to report for this weeks adventures but I will make sure to keep you all updated on my birthday in a third world country. Thanks for all the love. I miss you all and can't wait to hear from you again.


P.S. Jack I am still working on getting in with the Cartel down here for you. I will report my progress when there is any.

August 19, 2013

My Last Will and Testament from Here at the CCM

I, Michael N. Duff, Jr., being of sound mind and body, do hereby make a record of my people in my days. Well my days here in Mexico draw almost to a close. As in tomorrow I head farther south to a country more sketchy. It is called Honduras!
Well all day today I am pretty bored all here by myself. As in my compañero and all my compatriots in my district (squad fro the non-Mormon people or my posse for those of you from New Jersey (cough, cough Jack)) are gone so I have hung out all by myself and tried to take a nap. Yeah it was a magnificent thing finally experiencing the Spanish siesta. America should adopt this practice I think. Of course the old man known as my father has been doing this for years, it just never had a name before now.
Anywho random jabs aside, my time here in Mexico has taught me some very valuable lessons that I will now impart unto you my people. Number 1, America rocks! It is truer by the day. It is nice to know that you can shower at home and not have your mouth tightly closed in order to not die from the water. Number 2, God works in mysterious and often funny ways. It is strange that He can take a poor white farm kid from Idaho and in a manner of weeks have him able to speak to natives in their own tongue and be able to make them smile. Number 3, the drug cartel is alive and well down here in Mexico. Yes I have seen gunfights and people being kidnapped but hey I made it so calm down mom, I am fine. Number 4, everything is cheap down here in Mexico. No really when I do the math and I end up having spent a mean $3.45 and manage to have snacks for a whole week and a half it is pretty sweet. If you want to retire a millionaire just head south. Except or those of you from the northeast, your angry ways would probably add up to you being short or something. Number 5, you can find joy in the smallest things in life. It is strange to think that here I have been with what I have though were necessities in life taken from me and yet I can wake up every single morning and have a smile on my face. That comes because of help from above. What can I say, the Big Man Upstairs likes me I guess.
Well these are just a few things that I have learned from being here in the Lord's service. Remember that you are all special to me and I love you. The next time you will hear from me I will be in the murder capital of the world...San Pedro Sula, Honduras. You are all in my prayers and I love you all. Stay classy! Oh the picture is me on a Nacho Libre style bike. Yeah I am that cool. Love you all,


P.S. Jack you still suck but I love you man. Have fun in Oklahoma where not a soul wants to be, thus they gave it to the FA to train in. Hahahaha but stay safe.

Pete (Noto) Hey you have fun and tell Lydia that I love you both and want you to be super happy. I expect a piece of your wedding cake in the mail to Honduras. Then I turn you in to a Mormon so you can live in Idaho and Jack can make fun of you. Love you mate.

Zeke, you backwoods chicken farmer, you take care and lead your plebe this year well. Keep me updated on how the spring season goes and don't let yourself turn brutal or else all the old pigs and I will kill you and not invite you to Gloria's.

Mom and Pops, I need the Bishop's address and email so I can write him too. I love you even though you are old and wrinkly and have a mustache. I love you too mom.

Grant, tell happy birthday to Abby for me and make sure your season this year is sent to a football fan who will be without for two years, I expect film too.

August 13, 2013

My Last Correspondence from Spirit Prison...No Really There is a Wall

Well after a week finding out that my family hates me and didn't email me because of some "internet problems" likely excuse. It was them going on cool vacations while I am in a second world country. Well after a week where I was unloved I have come to my last week in this Mexicano espíritu prison. Yes there is a huge wall all around the compound and yes we hear all the cool things going on outside the walls and it makes us really jealous.
So contrary to popular belief I am not killing and Momos here, just chastising them with much fervor. They really are some of the dumbest people I have ever seen. Mom remember when you said that you wish more stupid people would come to your front door so you could be entertained more? Well it is fun at first but then they don't go away. EVER. My favorite word that I use around the CCM is "Gringos!" with a shake of my head and then the Latinos and I all laugh at the really dumb kids struggle one with life. The future of America folks.
Well anywho so the work is progressing, and by work I mean getting packed because the end is nearing. Thanks for sending the birthday box to the mission home, the mail here is really sketchy. Oh parents can you send me a box with A) root beer 2) shorts and C) anything with peanut butter in it. That would be much appreciated, thank you.
Okay wish list aside there has been some crazy stuff happening this week. Let's see, I watched some kid try and kick a soccer ball and throw his hip out i.e. he pulled a Susan. Em...oh on that note the kids here are the definition of athletic...and by definition I mean not even close. There are about twelve kids here that are even close to being worthy of a draft for a pick up game.
Anyway back to the task at hand, keeping you all entertained with my fancy stories. So today on the way to the temple I was punching an elder who mistakenly started hitting me for a slug bug (Yeah Mexico City must be sponsored by the VW Bug because they are everywhere, needless to say I won and he still has a dead arm) when we saw some guy get in a shootout with the Federales and get put down by an M4. Kinda cool not going to lie. Then we went into the temple. Good stories all around.
So life is going on without me it seems. Good that means I don't have to come back to the house and work ever again. Hahahahaha! I win! Well I really don't have anything else to report, but the next time you hear from me it will be from San Pedro Sula, Honduras. Well I love you all. I can't wait to hear from you next week.


August 6, 2013


Only Two Weeks More at the Torture Center de México

Well where to begin? Hmmm...let me see, well the rains came back so now I am able to not sweat to death, but the giant hole in our screen is still the void of death if the window is open because the giant swarms of the adversary, mosquitoes, are awaiting to attack us at every turn.
Well the complaining aside life here continues on and we are pretty much just teaching and working on the ol' Español every day.
The nuevo gringos that arrive every week are looking younger and younger by the day. I need to take some pictures of the baby toddlers and show you how young they actually look.
So the big news here is that the redshirt quarterback for BYU is here and everyone and their grandma just bows down for him which is hilarious because he is the crappiest looking college quarterback I have ever seen. Plus I may have just trucked him in two hand touch after he tried to put the hit stick on me. Funny, but now we not long have fútbol americano privileges because when the MTC president sees a missionary just get trucked and lay there like a sack of very large and awkward BYU potatoes.
So what else, oh my branch president, Pres. Ruiz, is a total stud and just makes Sundays not suck, but rather on the contrary, they happen to be awesome. Well the Spanish is coming along, as in I can now convey what I want without any awkward pauses and I can still make the investigators laugh so I still got it, even in the horrible language.
I have said it before, but God's language is English. It even has it in Preach My Gospel for everyone to learn English because it will help you no matter what mission or language you will be speaking. Coincidence...I think not!
We still have three "gators," Raúl, Armondo, y Carlos and they all seem to be coming along. Carlos was a struggle but after we hit him in the head with a chair he has been coming around. No that is a true story. We got done with a really great lesson that brought him around and he felt the Spirit and then when we were helping to pick up the chairs my companion accidentally hit Carlos in the head with a chair. It's all good though, we didn't kill him, but now he knows we ain't messing around.
Well that is about all I have for this episode of the adventures down under. I hope to hear from you soon and want you all to know I love you.